Goofing at Golfing for Idiots.....like me

I am no golfer but I been invited by friends and associates to have a game with them. When I said I am no golfer, I meant to say I do hit the balls at the test range for the swing of it I guess. So I bought my first club; a three iron and I felt justified on my purchase which I place in my car boot when I travel or at my office when I am working.  One day when my neighbour is out on the lawn, I thought I impressed her with it. I picked it up and took a few mock swings at the porch. I know she is looking at me; she can't as I was making this whoosh sounds as I swing. She taken the bait.

"You are off for your golfing again?" I looked at her and nodded. Its the only thing I could impressed her as if we are to match the width of the waist, mine would be as width as her bosom.

"Yup, being trying to get into the right swings and I hear its good for the health too." That's when I would place my hands on my butt to stretch out to the back. I wished I never do that as my spine would be aching for some hours later.

"You could try my class of tango. Its cheaper than golfing, and I can teach you." That was my cue to always asked her on the lessons but most times, it stopped at there. If I do the tango, I am sure to be tangled in by my wife's scarf on my neck for good. But no harm in asking more on the lessons as its the time I get to speak to her.

The other reason I have it there is to impress my clients when we meet for business discussions. Most times, they would move the subject to golfing and I would then say that my clubs are at the pro-shop for polishing. But I am sure I can still do a few swing if needed. Then its my cue to picked up the club which I have in the car boot, now in my office for a few swings, and I mean mock low ones as I don't want to hit the ceiling with it. Most times we ended up with a few rounds of golf stories and jokes, which would ended up with a business contract signed plus promises to be meet them on the greens.

My secretary used to joke about it: " You must have missed you club much to carry one so long and hard at all times." Well, she would not be smiling when I reviewed her year end performance for bonus payments.

But this one time, I had to go to the greens and its for real. The ruse of the game is off and now the reality steps in. I felt like I am a participant on the 'Survivor' series and the place is a vast land of green with some eighteen holes planted somewhere there. Naturally, I could not be seen with my single club so I coax another friend to lent me his older set. Then I dashed off to the pro shop and got me a pair of golfing tweed pants. I am sure I have the T-shirt to fit on top although the one I could find was my earlier rugby jersey sized when I was slimmer but now fits in well with the layers.

"Jonathan, how could you wear those colors to the game? It looks like a rugby jersey to me. Springboks, I believe." I knew James is a fan of the Springboks too. We used to watch it in live streaming during the World Cups.

"Aye, it is. But I find it brings me better luck on the greens. You know me well, I am always a Springbok fan on or off the field." We both shared a laugh and then I bought out my set.

"Callaway? I thought you have a Mizuno club, you would be having the full set of it. " Bloody observation of his is putting me in the corner.

"Well, as you know. Its not the club that counts but the golfer behind the club. I just like to vary mine for the events." We both shared a laugh. Then he asked me to join him at the first tee off point. I noticed he was pulling his bag of clubs and I looked at mine. There are wheels on it and that means I could do the same. I did as he did while adjusting my visor to shield the heat. My goodness, a bloody waste of good weather for this event, we should be lounging at the poolside with a mug of beer watching some girls.

Here we are now standing at the tee off point, watching a couple preparing to take their shots. I made my first mistake here. I walked up to them without consulting my partner.

"Pardon me, Sir. Perhaps we can join with you as a foursome?" The man who was bending down to do his swing looked up from his ball which he has placed on the tee. The lady had her hands at her mouth to hide the embarrassment.

"I beg your pardon. We are not keen and keep your lewd remarks to yourself. I am trying to hit my balls." I thought I was being nice but I guess I don't know the rules here. I walked back to my friend and he nudged me on the ribs.

"Being watching too many porns lately?" I gave him a weak smile as I try to remember the correct terms to use on the greens. "John, that man is a professional golfer and lately he's been having it bad with some personal issues in his life. So let us watch him do it and maybe we can learn some good swings."

I remembered the face now. He was one of the best and now he is lagging behind. The man was about to take his swing when I made the next remark.

"Damned, look at the length of his club. It must go in a long way on the swing." I should had kept quiet as he was a taller man than me. He stopped his swing short and glared at me. I just nodded back and looked at my hands. It was all sweaty from the heat and I needed a tissue to wipe on it. So I placed it on my back of my pants and sort of wipe it there. Laundry should take the sweat off there later.

"Do you mind?" I looked at her and then I realized in the move to wipe my hands, I was actually pushing my hips forward. I nodded to her.

"My hands are sweaty. I just thought I rub them there. Didn't mean to intrude. Please continue." The man was clearly upset as I have disturbed his second attempt. It was then I whispered to my friend on what is a good golfing stance to take. He looked back and smiled; " You ought to know. Its the basics of golfing."

"Aye, I know. I was just testing you. Keep your head down , grip the club and make sure you spread those legs a bit more. And then you wham it in." We both laughed but the couple was not amused. "Pardon us, we were just talking."

The taller man now took his swing and the ball went wide into the pond.

"Oops! He got it wet alright, but he landed it in the wrong hole." I should had shut up but the damage was done. The taller man cursed at the shot which went off the path into the pond.

"Damned!" He muttered out in frustration.

"Now dear, don't be. Its not good for your game. Just play the game for the fun of it. Think of me, I am having a fun time. " The lady advised him as she went up to him to hold him in her arms. She is sexy when she does that as if I tired with my wife, we would end tumbling down like Jack and Jill. It won't be my crown that get bruised but my six iron club down there.

The lady stepped forth and did a few swing with her club. I tell you if she did any more, I would be swinging like pendulum on my own. She then bent down to placed her ball on the tee and then straighten up to correct her posture with legs apart and her grip firm. She then bend forth and she looked out to the green. Its stunning and I am not referring to the sun.

"I thought never knew that golfing can be more relaxing than the poolside view." I was muttering to my friend but how was I know that sound travel further on one plains. The lady was clearly upset at my remark. She straighten up and stepped back.

"Here darling, take another swing." So he did and this the ball went straight up and down onto the green.

"Shit! He must had whacked it so hard that the club is bent by now." I was just expressing my opinion but the remark was taken differently.

"I meant the shot, ma'am....... Nevermind, I apologize."

It was the lady's turn again. The lady turned her back to me and she is clearly a left handed golfer. This time it was not my comment, but my friend. He turned to me to look and said; 'fine set of putt there" as he points to a neighboring game where the golfer has sink in his ball on the green.

"Never a finer putt", and then I had turn my face to see if the lady has swung her club. No, she has not as she is now facing me.

"Pardon me..." I shook my head and point to the other green. She straighten her posture and then bend forth.

"Darling, remember your strokes." The taller man advised his mate. He then came forth and held her arms from behind to show her how to swing the club correctly. I be damned if he does that to me, and he would have my club at you know where.

"I think I got it now, darling." She sounded so much like like my wife when I rolled over after our trek to the high mountain. "You reached the top and dropped me the line now so I can scale up on my own." Damned, these ladies never appreciate our efforts to assist them. It was then John asked me to take care of his set while he walked back to club house for some balls.

"Balls! Yeah,  I need some too. Make it bigger so I can grab them better. " It was just a snide remark but I don't think the lady golfer likes it. I guess not as she is glaring at me. The taller man gestured to her to continue with her game and ignore me. She took the shot and the ball went wide too, and landed in the sand pit.

"Nice stroke, but the follow through was too short." It my bad habit of being the couch TV coach at the Springboks game. I felt sometimes if it was me there, it would had a long run and then touchdown. But in today case, its a bloody nuisance I been to this couple.

She went off in a huff to her bag and I could hear her comments: "Next time you want to play golf with me, booked the whole greens for the day. I can't stand potato couch golfer."

They are now preparing to leave the tee point to us and so I pulled the first club I could lay my hands on and looked at it. 

"Shit, he did not wipe his clubs after he fucked them."

Guess, I never made it beyond the first tee off. I also decided that rugby was a safer game after all. Three weeks later after my discharge from the hospital, I asked my wife that night.

“Darling, can we do the tango tonight?” Her reply was as below.

“Only if you can last beyond eighteen strokes with that club of yours.”

“Sweet dream, darling. I would play the greens by myself.”