Bulimia and Me
Author's Note:
The contest asked
to write on disorders and Bulimia was one on the list. I starve my mind for
this piece.
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I run and jump every
day for five miles and then an hour on the exercise bike. It's my routine and
the best time to do it is from nine at night to midnight. In the morning at
six, I am at the pool and I would do six laps before I come back for my
aerobics session. I do it all alone as I can't stand company with me. I carry a
Taser with me on my runs if you think I am not being careful. There were one or
two such incidents but they won't try again.
Am I fat? Pardon
me, the correct term is obese. No, I am not. I am slim and I looked good in my
running suit. I think I have reduced the fat content in my body to almost nil
but I am not giving up till it's all gone.
I am back now in
my apartment. There Brett coming back with his date. He saw me and he waved at
me. I did the same but his date does not look pleased. Well, screwed her. I am
not fucking your man so you can get screwed yourself. I have known Brett since
I moved in three years ago but then I had Matt for company. So Bitch, you can
be assured I did not screw your boyfriend. I only screwed mine.
I went into my
dark apartment. It no necessity to turn on the light as I know my way around. I
walked to the kitchen and raid the fridge. I am famished from my run and I
needed my nutrients. There is the cheese block, the cold meat, and the milkshakes.
And of course my favorite pecan nut ice cream. Matt used to go nutty over it.
He would spread them over my belly and licked them up. Yes, Bitch. He licked me
up with the Ice Cream. Never had that, huh?
I sat down at the
table and gobble my food. I reached for the remote and turned on the box. It's
another crappy re-run, and I have seen it thrice. I switched to the lifestyle
and it showed the cooking series. That's refreshing as it a new recipe and the
chef looks delicious. Matt was a chef and he used to cook those great meals for
me. I told him I would put on weight but he said, 'never an inch would I missed
on you'. We would fuck like crazy then, even on the kitchen floor. Yup, Bitch.
Never had it there before, huh?
Time for my shower.
I dragged myself over to the room and into my shower. I have strewn off my
running suit and stood naked there under the shower. It's refreshing at this
late hour to be standing under the cold torrent water. It brings out the heat
in your body and closed the pores off. My shower is long as I washed every part
of my body of the odor and dirt. I toweled myself and step into my flannel
gown. I know I looked like a gramp lady but I liked it. The fabric rubbed into
my skin and it feels nice. Matt used to rub me down with the towel and he would
carry me to the bed. He could as he was a big man. He would lower me down and
we would make love the night through. Bitch, I doubt with Brett that he could
do that. He is a wimp compared to my stud.
Oh, no. I must get
rid of it. I ran to the sink in the bathroom and I pushed my finger into my
throat. It must come out. It has to or he won't like me. The cheese, the cold meat,
and all I ate are coming out. It's all out and I am glad. I slide down to the
floor and sat there. Matt used to say take out the trash if it's not needed. I listened
and I obliged. But our child was no trash. It's our effort and love that the
child was created. It's our love gift but he did not want it.
He only wanted ME.
MY FUCKING BODY AND NOT MY SOUL.
I lost our child
and also him. For him, I felt no loss but the child, I felt remorse. I was
deceived by him for his lust and my weakness for his cooking. He put everything
into me and discharge them like my waste including our child. I am angry at him.
Every time I eat, it's him I think of. Every time I run, it from him to be
away. I could stand the hours when we used to make love here. I had to leave
this place. So I ran. I come back late to wash away the dirt as I washed away
his touch on me. As I throw up the food that he placed in me.
MATT, I FUCKING HATE
YOU.
You made me what I
am today. From a healthy lady with a voluptuous body to the skinny wreck today.
MATT, YOU BASTARD!
I WAS FINE BEFORE YOU TURNED ME.
MATT, I LOVE YOU.
But why did you leave
me? Was I too fat? I can lose weight. No, it's not me then. It’s our child; it
makes me look big. I swear I did not eat too much. I watched my weight for you.
I SWEAR ON OUR
CHILD'S GRAVE.
Please don't leave
me. Oh, please. I won't eat again.
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