Me and Myself
Authors Note: This is a
short tale on bulimia. It's a re-write minus the profanities and erotic
details.
Contests rules:
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I run and jump
every day for five miles and then an hour on the exercise bike. It's my routine
and the best time to do it is from nine at night to midnight. In the morning at
six, I am at the pool and I would do six laps before I come back for my
aerobics session. I do it all alone as I can't stand company with me. I carry a
Taser with me on my runs if you think I am not being careful. There were one or
two such incidents but they won't try again.
Am I fat? Pardon
me, the correct term is obese. No, I am not. I am slim and I looked good in my
running suit. I think I have reduced the fats content in my body to almost nil
but I am not giving up till it's all gone.
I am back now at
my apartment. I went into my dark apartment. It is no necessity to turn on the
light as I know my way around. I walked to the kitchen and raid the fridge. I
am famished from my run and I needed my nutrients. There is the cheese block,
the cold meat, and the milkshakes. And of course my favorite pecan nut ice
cream. But I like the strawberry yogurt more topped with fruits on the
top.
I sat it down at
the table. I reached for the remote and turned on the box. It's probably other
crappy re-runs, and every episode has been seen thrice. I switched to the
lifestyle and it showed the baby series. That's refreshing as it is a new one
on taking care of babies. I see them bubbly bundles being taken care of by
their mothers and their adorable smiles which can captivate an audience. I
wondered if my baby would like that; burping and giggling at my touch. That
would be refreshing and above all complete for a woman like me. But I have no
baby and is there a need to do the completion. I have is myself and only myself.
Sure there have been moments I wished I was a mother but that is over now. It's
not the baby I was concerned about, it's my body structure. I can't be seen putting
those weights and forsaking my diet. I would be laughed at and made a mock at
every event. Here comes the fatso..... And she walks with a fat drunken ass.
No, more of those sarcastic words; no more of those fingers pocking into my
body looking for layers of fats. I am me now, and I darned with those layers.
Time for my shower.
I dragged myself over to the room and into my shower. I have strewn off my
running suit and stood naked there under the shower. It's refreshing at this
late hour to be standing under the cold torrent water. It brings out the heat
in your body and closed the pores off. My shower is long as I washed every part
of my body of the odor and dirt. Not a layer out of place and nothing flabby or
sagging. All are taut and in place with their correct cavities. I toweled
myself and step into my flannel gown. I know I may look like Twiggy but she was
my idol with her launching of the mini-skirts then. I feel sexy wearing it and
not look like Dumbo in a tight skirt, The fabric rubbed into my skin and it
feels nice. I wondered what it's like when you rubbed the baby with a soft
towel. The series showed them giggling and the sounds they make are so cute,
But none of that for now. I got a life to live.
Oh, no. I must get
rid of it. I ran to the sink in the bathroom and I pushed my finger into my
throat. It must come out. It has to or it will stick to my body. The ice cream
and the pink fruits; all of it I ate is coming out. It's all out and I am glad.
I slide down to the floor and sat there. Mum used to say take out the trash if
it's not needed. I listened and I obliged. But the child was no trash. It's my
effort with him and he would have the love that the child was created. It's our
love gift and he did know about it then.
I lost our child
and also him. For him, I felt no loss; he is a bastard trying to love me but trying
to make me put on weight. So what is wrong with being thin; it is the real me. But
never were we to expect the child. I felt remorse for holding the child in my
body. It took me days to crawl to the bathroom and I was sick with it. It never
let me rest and I felt awful. He keeps on encouraging me to hold up and pump
with those nutrients. In the end, I gave up on seeing my body changed. It's not
me anymore but the baby.
I was deceived by
him for his lust and his words that I will be complete with the baby. I lashed
out at him and we went apart the day I discharged my burden. I am back to
myself but every time I walked the streets or see the picture of a young mother
and her baby, I felt remorse. It could have been me doing the same as them. But
when I see the mothers, they are no different from the others. All back to
their previous looks and smiling. Maybe I was wrong and I begged for forgiveness
from my baby.
But that is the
past and neither prayer would I bring it back. It's been years now and despite
all the efforts, I am alone now. Maybe I am better off with this than to risk
another second chance on another baby. I am so sorry but I cherish my body more
than anything else. I am me and nothing would make me change. I am so sorry,
darling. You would be better off with a normal mother than me.
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