Clause Kitchen 2
Author's Note:
This is a tale in the Series of Clause Kitchen.
Contests rules: A
picture of a girl dressed in black tights and garters sitting by the window
holding a skull.
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Upon one summer’s
morning, I carefully did stray,
Down by the Walls
of Wapping, where I met a sailor gay,
Conversing with a
bouncing lass, who seemed to be in pain,
Saying, William,
when you go, I fear you will ne’er return.
His hair it does
in ringlets hang, his eyes as black as soles,
My happiness
attend him wherever he goes,
From Tower Hill,
down to Blackwall, I will wander, weep and moan,
All for my jolly
sailor bold, until he does return.
( Lyrics from the
Mermaid Song; Pirates of the Caribbean )
I reached out for
my jolly sailor but he is not the jolly one I met ten years ago on the beaches
of Monaco. He was a hunk of a man with the name that sings in my heart. Like
Claude, I was a Nordic beauty like a Siren dressed in the wispy silky gown than
with half my current frame and more supple to the surplus now I am saddled
with. Oh yes, we had indulged in too many good things during our marriage to
had it plastered to our frame today. My Claude sleeps by my side on his large
bed and snores to the exhale from his body. He was my jolly sailor then, just
as I was his seductive Siren then. But now he is God's answer to the wishes of
kids with the ever guaranteed delivery on the eve of Christmas on his magical
sled. It's a one-day event, but the chore of preparing the presents is a year-long
affair with the elves and pixes. Every child is monitored and being good would
get their wish to come true. That is the promise of Santa Claus. But Santa
needs nourishment to his body even as he works the days and nights. So that
role falls to me, who is his dutiful wife and I command the kitchen to feed him
and his helpers. That is my promise to Santa so he won't fail the children in
their wishes.
By Billy's butt, I
almost slept the afternoon away. I am late to my kitchen as I have a supper to
prepare for the man who is taking his afternoon nap too long. It may be a quick
romp in the bed, but the aftermath is a long sleep for his age. But my job is
never to be late. I rushed out of bed and arranged my clothes on my back. One
thing about being over sized, the flock will cover the overlapping curves
without many worries. When I am prim and proper, I made my way to the kitchen
but silence awaits my ears as my usual chattering pixies are ever silent. It's
unlike them to be so, as they are chattering bundles of activities where the
echoes of singing accompany their works. But not today, and I fear the worse
had happened.
I bundled myself
through the bat wings flap that leads into my kitchen to find a sight unseen
before. It's not that the pixies are missing or on the dole, but they are held
in the four corners by green tights clad elves armed with bows and arrows. I
know these green elves; they are the Pirate of the Algae Sea. I try to sight
out their leader of the pack, a lad I knew from my earlier days when he was a
Lord's heir and now an adventurer with the tall mast and wenches of the tavern
in some ports.
"Ribon of the
Shirewoods! You come out this minute or I would put in the cell without the
help of the Nottingham boys." True to his action, he swung down from the
shelves above and stand before me. Ribon is a tall elf to the height of my
bosom when it was more supple. He is dressed like his other merry men but he
has a phoenix feather in his felt cap.
"My lady,
Mama Claus. I beg your indulgence in having me in your kitchen today. I am not
here on my own accord but that of another person who felt an injustice was done
on them. So what better ways to get the old man's attention than to hold his
wife ransom." The young pompous elf thinks he has it all planned.
"Ribon of the
Shirewoods, you made a big mistake. You may just be made up for my day." I
took up the dough roller and threw it boomerang style and it swung round the
kitchen taking down the elves who held my pixies at the corner. I then took up
a long handle spatula and walked towards the mischievous elf who dares to
invade my kitchen.
The Pixies of mine
now freed have recovered their voices and sang.
"There was an
Old Man of Quebec,—
A beetle ran over
his neck;
But he cried,
"With a needle, I'll slay you, O beadle!"
That angry Old Man
of Quebec."
( Limerick by
Edward Lear )
"A man who
never makes a lady angry is a failure in life. I stand quoted from Christopher
Morley", My brave little elf clad in green tights still wants to make a
stand in my kitchen.
"It may be
true but he ain't married to me." I swung my spatula and knocked the elf
across the kitchen slamming into the mushroom patch. "Tell me who send you
and you may just be saved from being part of the fertilizer to the
mushrooms."
"Oh my God!
Not on my mushrooms. I just got those dead beetles there to blend in. Mama
Claus, I hoped you are not serious. Decayed elves ain't my in my recipe for
good fertilizers." I looked at the Head of my vegetable garden head;
Shroom of the Round Headed Clans.
"Trust me,
Shroom. You won't notice the difference in the growth. These elves are all hot
air and no flesh." That riles up my Pirate Captain.
"Bring up
your ...spatula, my Lady. I have taken enough insults from you today. The
Pirates of the Algae does not bow to such instigating words." Ribon has
pulled out his thread needle to challenge my long hand spatula. But our duel
was delayed by the words of another party.
"Hold the
duel. The pirate is here on my request."
I turned to look above
at the top window sill where a dark figure sits with one leg raised on the
sill. It's a young lady dressed in a black corset and matching stockings. I
think they called it Goth wear now and it's popular with the young ladies. She
is holding a skull in her hand and it's glowing in the dark. I know that skull;
it one of our designs for Halloween.
"And who may
you be? Didn't your mama tells you not to sit like that? It's very
unladylike."
"My name is
Lorelei, and I am a Siren. I know you are wondering why the sudden change of
attire. Well, we are keeping up with the new trends in designs now. The days of
the wispy white gown are over; it's hard to wash off those grime and dirt.
Black is more ...distinct in taste now." The vixen who is a Siren thinks
she can coax some elves in tights to invade my kitchen and get away with it.
That would be the day, I am no more Mama Claus.
"As the dark
waves of the sea
Draw in and out of
rocky rifts,
Calling solemnly
to thee
With voices deep
and hollow,
To the shore
Follow!
Oh, follow!
To be at rest
forevermore!
Forevermore!"
( extract of the
poem The Sirens by James Russel Lowell. ) The love-struck Captain of the
Pirates began to voice his love for the siren named Lorelei.
"Lorelei, you
are another Siren to me. Tell me your woes and be freed of my kitchen or I would
reduce you to fish paste and be served on a platter for the Cheshire Cat."
We can hear the mewing of the cat that vibrates around the room.
"No, Mama
Claus. I begged for your forgiveness. I am just here to raise a request for a
change in our presents for this Christmas. I meant you and Santa no harm. The
Elves are to sailed me here on their ship as I have not ventured beyond the
shores of my sea." The vixen has sailed down and landed at my feet on her
knees.
"So tell me,
sister Siren. What ails you on your presents?" I looked at her and see
myself in her frame ten years ago. It's been such a long time since I sang with
the sisters on the sea cliffs. Yes, we are Sirens, but we are no bad vixens. We
sing our love to forewarned the sailors of the deadly corrals below the sea
lines. But it's their lust which brought them their last breath.
"As I was
saying, can we have a change of orders for our presents? We prefer them black
leathers if it's okay. Our current change of gown is too great for our expenses
as they are easily torn on the cliffs. Black leathers add more sexy curves to
our looks." She is truly a vixen as she knows the last line was directed
to me.
"I would
check with the old man. No promises, but I would try." She thanked me and
floated away. But before she left I told her to say hello to Aunt Calypso. It
was then the green tights elves came to stand before me with their heads facing
down. "Bad boys don't get presents." They nodded. "But bad boys
can be good ones by Christmas may have one present." Their faces all
turned up grinning at me.
say hey what's it
gonna be tonight
come hit me up
come hit me up
say hey party with
me tonight
come hit me up
come hit me up
say hey we been
running all night
come hit me up
come hit me up
I know you feel it
cause you checking me right
come hit me up
come hit me up
baby baby, just a
little bit
baby baby, just a
little more
baby baby, let me
see ya
walk to me talk to
me handle me right
( Lyrics from
Happy Feet Hit me Up by Gia Farrel )
Well, I got the
pixies to prepare supper while I go back to rest after my late afternoon
encounters with the Pirates of the Algae. I walked back to the bedroom and find
the old man still snoring in bed. A wicked thought came to my mind, and I
rummaged up the large treasure case of mine. I finally found what I wanted. It's
been there for over ten years now.
"Oh, Claude.
Wake up. I got a surprise for you." Claude woke up and rubbed his eyes.
"Ho! Ho! Ho!
That reminded me of the mushroom we have in the garden shed. But I like the polka
dots on you better. "
He may be laughing
but I am not. I doubt the bikini strings would hold up much longer on my
current frame before it goes burst. But it is an itsy teenie weenie polka
yellow dot bikini anyway.
It was an itsy,
bitsy, teenie, weenie,
Yellow, polka dot
bikini,
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