“Well, hello to all. I can see we got the full strength out.
Saturday’s does that the soul.”
“Yeah, Ronnie. Drum me a pint. And one more when I finished
this one. The man without the pint is a half-pint. You get what I mean.”
“Pardon me, Jack. Never meant you at all. You are a fine
bloke to have at my side. I know my armpits are unwashed but between blokes,
who cares.”
“Hang on to your push up soles, I got to say hello to Marty.
Have you not seen him for a while? So, how’s life with you?”
“You were here last weekend? I must have missed you. Oh, you
were with the others. Those are boys. Yes, ma’am and No, sir that’s their
replies. Are they with any Regiment colors? None, huh. It figures, just a bunch
of academics with suspenders to keep their pants on. I heard they balled each
other.”
“Lawn bowling was it? That was their uniform. Oh, well, it
sounded like someone’s balls. I am into the Premier. I never miss the Liverpool
game. We are the champions.”
“Fine, we lost the last Premier Cup but we will be back. I
saw Salah took the goal last weekend. It was spectacular.”
“Huh, Liverpool drew nil? Are you sure? I saw it on TV.
And I don’t need no VAR to replay that goal. It was superb.”
“I should call Salah to tell him not to score so many. He
was disturbing my runs to the bathroom during a match. I have to pee. I do not
want to miss the scoring.”
“Into the bottle? I did and the milkman complained. He said the
bottle like piss. I dare not tell him why. He will stop my pints of milk.”
“Was it? A replay of an older match or the score? How can
it is done?”
“VAR? I am calling my cable TV to complain about.”
The phone rang.
“Yup, Charlie Bugger Unique here. Who’s on the line?”
“Stella? Can you repeat that?”
“Oh, I will be there. Soon, my dear. Don’t come without me……
Yes, you can diddle.”
The phone was shut off.
“Hey, Jack. What’s up with you? I was ….”
“Stella? Your Stella. Heck, I was not. I met this ….. Stella
last week, and we sort of …”
“Look, Jack. I am no lying bastard. I won’t ball my own
bloke’s missus. It will be rude.”
“Oh, your aunt. That was a long time ago. It was Halloween,
and I was scared stiff.”
“Hold your emotions, Jack. You know who much it affects your
pressure. You need to calm down. Stella is probably at home waiting for you. Or
she may come for you.”
“Stella is not. How would you know she won’t come?”
“I meant here to pick you. I know you can make her come. I
was just …”
“You have not been home? Oh, she has not been home both
weekends. How would I know where she was?”
“What? You smelled my armpit scent on her. God, Ronnie. Did
you serve one too many tonight?”
“Hey, Jack. We are still good blokes, right? Don’t leave me
without saying we are.”
Jack walked off and the phone rang.
“Hello.”
“Yes, I know. It’s my apartment. The door should read as
504. I will be there.”
“Yes, Stella. I love you too. And there and there…”
The phone gets hung up.
“Oh, hi Jack. I thought you left. Picked your coat huh?"”
“No, that was my Stella and she is at the hotel waiting for
me.”
“My unit? You got to be pulling my wank. I don’t bring
ladies to my dirt hole.”
“Okay, Jack. You go on home. Stella will be there.”
“And if she is not? That’s a good question. I have no
replies to that. I am not Stella.”
“For your sex? I guess self-exploration could be
recommended. I read of this P-Orgasm. It’s the simulation of the prostrate to
have an orgasm. You need to reach you know your butt and pressed for it.”
“Bye, Jack. I know you are not gay. And I am sorry if you
can’t feel your prostate. Me too.”
“There goes, Jack. Nice bloke. So, where’s my second pint? Do
I need to pee to get another one?”
“I am sorry, mate. Did I intrude on your private space?”
“Oh, your emerald girl said I touch her? Or where? Was it
wet?”
“Hey, don’t get rough. I know my fighting skills. I spend
two years at Belmarsh. Things don’t get any
tougher than Belmarsh.”
“Okay, I may have … you know touched her. But seriously, I
am a wreck when it comes to kryptonite. I am like Superman. I detest green
kinds of stuff.”
“Or emerald is not kryptonite. Sorry, I am color blind.”
“Leaving so soon. See ya, Luthor. “
“You are bald. I bet with you a rolled-up five she is not.”
“Hey, I warned you. I won’t go down on you. She …. I may
consider. 69?”
” Thanks, Ronnie. You have done a swell job. Knew that baseball
bat meant more than just sit on it. They are leaving anyway.”
“So, where were we? Football or screwing?”
The phone rang.
“504, Stella. 605 is your unit with Jack.”
The phone gets hung up.
“Never understand women. They only look down. How else would
they know which unit belongs to them?”
The phone rang.
“Yes, it’s 504. No, it’s not the length of what. It’s the
Unit number. And yes, it’s on the ground level. They built the building on the
hillside. Its four levels below the street. And 504 is on the street.”
“How would I know why I can’t get a unit below? It was my
mother’s”.
“No, Jack is on 605.”
“He is not home? How would I know?”
“Oh, hello Jack. You are still here.”
“Never left. Just picked up your coat and hat again. Wrong one earlier? Nicer ones you got there.”
“Never knew you were going bald?”
“I wouldn’t know. Was she too?”
“Oh, you meant my wife, Darcy? I think she was. Never could
tell. Those hairs grew like locusts on the cornfield.”
“Huh? You with Darcy now?”
“Good blokes take care of each other’s wives? I never said
that.”
“Hey, Jack. I am not being rude but Darcy is above your playtime.”
“You what? I won’t forgive you for that. How could you take
her to the next level of sex? I thought I was the master here?”
“Oh, she did to you huh? No wonder you are getting bald. I
can see she really pull you out.”
“Bye, Jack. I hope you lose your scalp too.”
“Me? Jealous? Why should I be? He is paying Darcy and she
pays the bills in the house. I get paid by Stella whom I pay you to keep my
tabs going. Tell me, Ronnie. Would you let go of such an opportunity?”
“Goodnight, Ronnie. I got an appointment at 504. Is
Liverpool playing tonight?”
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