It was over lunch at Di Angelo Dogs, when Dan told me his morning desire over the mustard and sausages. He told me he almost killed Bernice; his wife that morning. It all started like this.
'Each morning, I had to cleaned up Bernice after her last night's sleep. As usual, I armed myself with the pail and towels, with the disinfectant powders, plus a new set of bed clothes. I also brought my doctor kits with the tools.' Bernice his wife had been bed ridden and in half comatose condition for sometime. She had tried to killed herself before when she knew she was sick, but twice Dan saved her.
'My first tasks was to remove the oxygen tent and placed over her the mask so she could still breathe in. Then I proceeded to removed her gown; raising her arms and then slowly dragging it off her shoulders. I had to be gentle as she had bed sores from laying there for too long. I do wished I could be around all day to turn and moved her but I have a job to performed at the Morgue. As I slowly peeled her gown away; making sure I do not tear any more sores, she may mumbled but won't wake up.'
'This morning was no exception, except for one. After I had removed her gown, she mumbled something that sounded like my name. I was taken aback and leaned over to listen again, but she was all quiet. My Bernice, called my name after so many months of lying there half dead. I was overjoyed and yet very sad.'
'I stepped back and took the towel to cleaned her body. The once nubile body was now laced with wrinkles and held intact by the bones that framed her body. I carefully dabbed at her face and then at her chest towards her legs. The sores are the difficult ones to handle as I had to removed some of the abscess and powdered them. She hardly flinched at the treatment, and then it would be the last part. I took on her fresh gown and slowly wore it on her.'
'It was after, I would use the small comb to slowly part the strands of hair on her scalp. Then was the time, I did the difference today. I stood there and stared at the woman whom I had loved and cherished all these years. Now she lies there not knowing who I am. I could not take it anymore. Her silent sufferings and my endless torture to see her rot there.'
'I don't know why, but I went to my kit and removed the scalpel. I stood over her with my scalpel. I spoke to her then again; something which I had not done before.'
'Bernice, if you really want me to assist you; please give me a sign.'
'Nothing happened for a while, and I lowered the scalpel, but then again, I heard her voice. It was faint and she called out my name again.'
"Dan...~"
'I looked to her face and saw the tear that was rolling down her right eye. Could it be? I held onto my scalpel again. Did she give me the nod to do what I had intended?'
'I placed the sharp blade of the scalpel over at the bottom of her neck on the chest, and held it there.'
"Bernice, tell me again please."
'But there was no more voice nor any more tears. Only that one drop was all I seen. Oh, God. I applied the pressure and made the first incision. The spot of blood appeared then as I applied in more pressure, the spot of blood became a trickle.
"No...~"
'I stopped. I removed my scalpel and looked up at her. There was a second drop of tears. I stopped at then, as that could be telling me she was does not want me to do it. I cleaned up her wound and took my leave of her.'
Damned! I pushed away my coffee and the half eaten hot dog. I looked at Dan who was still sitting there then with his head looking down.
"Dan, if you want, I could come over." I told him then. "Speak to her or even read the book. Share a drink with you....."
Dan raised his head and glared at me.
"F*****d you, Jim. I did think of killing her if you are thinking of right now. I just told you I wanted to eased her pain, but she stopped me. She does not need your protection over me." Dan got up and walked to his car parked nearby. I was taken aback by the outburst as I meant well, but he misconstructed it. I wanted to rushed up to him and apologize but the portable rang.
It was a 10-56 ( Suicide. ). I had to attend to this one. Soon I was there and met Frank who also came over.
"Frank, what's the brief?" I looked at the single leveled house in this neighborhood. Nice design and I did once contemplated moving here.
"It was Brian's mother. She did it herself. Gunshot to the brain." Damned, I thought I recognised the place. It was Brian's mother who asked me to move near her.
"Does he know?" Wrong timing of my question as I saw Brian just stopped his patrol car and rushed out. Frank intercepted and held the grieving officer back. Brian struggled for a while but soon let go of his fight when I joined in to restrained the man. After Frank led him away, I took my walk to the house.
I never been inside but met the mother twice at our Annual Dinner. Brian's mother was a nice lady with a generous heart; how else would I describe the dead lady now. As mentioned, she invited me over to get a place here when I retired but I have politely delayed the decision. I doubt Jenny would approved, as she done so much in our current place.
"Mary Sarah Kinsey. Aged...." I raised up my hand to stopped the officer who was the first responder. I walked past the officer and into the bedroom. It was a simple room with the bedding, closet and dresser, photo of herself and Brian. But now laid on the bed was the lady with her brains blown off with the revolver in her hands. I noted the design of the revolver; a 22, effective at this range. I once heard that Brian bought his mother a revolver during some uncertain periods with the gangs war going on then. He told me, that the .22 would not stopped a punk but if well aimed could burst some balls.
I saw the letter on the side table by the bed. As no one had opened it, I took the liberty of doing it. It was addressed to Brian.
"Brian, my son. I am dying of cancer and may have only a short time to lived. I would preferred to go this way unlike your dad, who withered away. This way , it would be quick and painless. I do not want you to bear my sufferings. I am sorry if I did not speak to you first. Some words are best not spoken. Love, your mother."
I pocketed the letter and told the boys to prepared for the Coroner. It was then Dan walked in.
"Suicide?" Dan said casually as he leaned over and examined the body.
"Very obvious. Gun shot to the head and the life was taken away." Dan muttered there as he examined the body. I don't know what went over me, but I stepped up to Dan, and pulled his shoulder up.
"F*****d you, Dan. That's Brian's mother there......Not your....." I could not bring myself to utter her name.
"Yes, I know. So what can I do? Revived her for you or for him." Dan glared at me. "She's dead and would remained one."
The man was still mad at me for this morning.
"Not all of us have the courage to do what she did." Dan whispered out his last statement. "I couldn't to myself."
"But you almost did it to Bernice...." I don't know why I said that. Dan does not need reminding.
"Only to ease her pain. If she had wanted. I would had done it." I saw the tears welled up in his eyes but before I could joined him, Dan had his attention turned to the dead body.
"Get off my case now. I got a dead body to processed." Dan spoke as he leaned back to continue his works. I took my leave and bumped into Frank.
"I sent Brian back to the Precinct." Frank held up the revolver in his left hand. "I took his gun just in case. He was in shock. He does not know why she did it? He spent all his free time with her. He may be an a***hole in the Precinct, but he was a good son."
"They never did tell until its too late." I replied.
"What did you get?" Frank asked,
I passed Frank the letter and walked to my car. Now Brian would know the truth. I been a husband to Jenny and yet I never told her all that happened to me. We all kept something back for some reason.
I drove on home and found Jenny there with her friends over for tea. I excused myself and walked to the bedroom. Jenny joined me there and asked me what happened. I told her but leaving the part on Dan and Bernice. She comforted me but I told her I had to go out and see to Brian's needs.
"Jim, Brian' mother told her son her last words in writing. Some of us never get to do it. At least she did it." Jenny was right. In my life, I seen many died without knowing why or even having to say goodbye. They all died just there. I may be like them too; dead without telling the undead what I had in my mind.
I kissed Jenny and drove off to the Precinct to arranged for Brian's mother funeral. There were reports to signs and soon I was driving again. I stopped at Dan' place and knocked on his door. He was not back as there was nobody answering it. I looked at my watch and reckon he might be late. I tried the lock and found it opened. I walked in and shouted to check if there was anyone home. Then I approached the bedroom which I knew belonged to Bernice.
There she was still in her oxygen tent and not moving. I stepped up and sat there by her bedside on the available seat. I knew Bernice at about the same time I met Dan. We got on fine and used to shared some dinners. She was a beautiful woman and a very understanding one. Once she was concerned on my well being as both Jenny and myself had some arguments after losing the baby. She comforted me and soon one thing let another; we f*****d that night. Dan was away in an out of town seminar. She did it with me not out of love but to let me released my frustration. There were a few more but it was like the first one; an expression of friendship. Dan never knew and neither of us ever regretted it. Not then.
"Bernice, I never said this to you before. I thank you for the comfort. I was .....selfish to load my suffering on you." I had to tell her before she leaves here. It was only fair to her. I took my leave of her and when on my way out of the house, I met Dan.
"Did you come to say your last words to her, huh?" Dan was still upset at me. "Or was it to know that she still lives."
I ignored him and walked to my car. Just before I climbed into my car, I turned towards Dan.
"She was a great lady. Take care of her. Don't let her die unnecessary. She still have you to love."
"Was that why you are here? To tell me......... F*****d you, Jim."
"I wished I had not.." Later I said to myself in the car.
Why must be it near death do we speak our mind? Just like before any marriage, the priest would asked if anyone had any objections, so may they speak. I should had then too. I did not love Jenny then, but now its different. I can't live without her now. But some of my tales would die with me.
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