Dark 12: For HELL's sake

I took small steps distancing myself from the other fellow in the front of my line. It was not I did not like him but he has on the aftershave that repulsed my sniffing.

“Hey, close up the line!” I heard the overseer that was watching us on the line. I may need to explain myself to you first. I am in the queue to be processed for the entrant to Hell. Yes, the one and only place where sinners are sent. Was I one would be discussed another day but let me tell you up death, you are given a token; mine was a blazing red one and that was to Hell, one way and ziltch you are in. It was not a long walk, but the sight was amusing. I was walking on this bridge across what was a lave flowing river and along the way, we have these demons; they were told to us by the others. The one who told me he had been here twice; once for killing his wife and the next life he killed his mother in law.

“What did you do this lifetime?”

“I was killed by my wife and her mother. They caught me with my lover and I was a sinner hence I am here.” The chap told me. “So, what are you here for?”

“I ...have no idea. I was hit by a bus and then I am here.”

“That’s a sin alright. You should look right and left before you cross. I betcha you did not do that?” How as I to argue then. I was pushed into the bus lane by my wife who wanted me dead for the insurance claims. I plodded on; they don’t give us shoewear here, and neither were we clothed. I was asked to remove mind at the start of the walk. I did sheepishly asked for a towel but that request was turned down.

“Look, mate. Here we ain’t conscious of your nudity? We are all the same and given the time we spent guarding the way forward, I will say your shape and size won’t attract any attention.”

I was peeved at the remark. I do not have the physique of the ‘man on the beach’ but I have my trims in the right places. Anyway back to the walk, I was soon at the end of the bridge and we were made to stop.

“The Lord of Hell will now decide what level of Hell to assign you.” I heard the demon but before I could raise the question, I saw the Lord himself seated on his throne which was a huge slab but they done the courtesy to lay a soft fur over it. He was a huge; well he was taller than me and I assumed ‘huge’ for he had on this thick jacket on covering from neck to knees, and his lower legs were covered by the fur lined boots. He had on the hat with the hyena head and the long flaps over the ears. You could tell he was the Lord, for his face was red, and there were those two horns on the forehead. He also held the trident in his right hand which was leveled towards us at the queue. I was frozen to my toes then.

It was blistering cold in Hell.

Our line was abruptly asked to move and we did; who wouldn’t with the demons poking at our butts. Then I saw him.

“Hello, St. Peter. What brought you here?” The Devil greeted the approaching elderly man with the thick jacket and Elves boots. The elderly had on the Santa’s hat, and he was using the cane to walk with.

“Ain’t you colourful today?” The Devil took a swipe at the elderly figure dressing. “Did the Elves took your clothes off?”

“No, it’s nothing to do with them. I had a request from HER to see you and your Hell.” St. Peter replied while he stood before the Lord of Hell. “I guess the request for a chair will be too much?”

“Hell, we ain’t have enough for ourselves let alone offered to another.” The Devil looked at the queue of Man. “Who among you will be offered to let the man seat on you? I ain’t giving you any alms for that.”

“Well, St. Peter. What brought you here? Aren't you supposed to be processing the angelic non-sinners to past the Pearly Gates?” The Devil asked then when he saw no one offered their back for the other.

“Delegation, Devil. Something you may not know. I do have my aides to assist me. They know that non-sinner will not lie to go past. Anyway, I am here...”

“HE is concerned? How is HIM?” The Devil feigned an interest there.

“HER, you idiot. From the milk in her bosom, SHE had nurtured you then.” St Peter roared out in anger. “Have you no decency?”

“Oh, yes. I know it’s HER but do we have to be formal. I was after all banished with some of us for being the FORSAKEN. And we....”

“Please, Devil. Heaven forbids you raised that quarrel of aeon ago.” St. Peter snapped back.

“Heck for Hell! Why can’t I?” The Devil replied. “It was my doing.”

“Okay, we shall call it even. You may and I will not, so we say nothing.” St. Peter then chanegd the subject. “SHE.... God asked me to check on you. God....Oh, God, I was to tell you that ....SHE has a cold. And she has not recovered yet? SHE was ...”

“So the cold GOD had passed onto me and my realm. Here where we have the heat unbearably hot was turned down to frigid cold now. Even my demons have moved to nearby places like the KALAHARI or the SAHARA for their vacations. God, what happened to HER?”

“Cold...you know. Influenza.” St. Peter replied. “I had my vacation postponed if you must know.”

“So you will not have the chance to put on your G-strings from the Sales this year?” The Devil mocked the other.

“I have.” St Peter flapped his coat opened to show his inner wear. “It's a ...”

“Size too small? I doubt so. You looked..... string tight.” The Devil laughed. “So do tell her, we are surviving. I have bones to burn the flames.”

I then saw the piles of bones by the brazier. And it was not only one but several brazier there attended by the minions who were selecting the pieces to be thrown in like nurses with the doctor in the surgeon room; ‘thigh bone’, ‘check’.

“St.Peter, can you stop them cremating the dead? I have enough ashers here for an eternity. I rather they come over here intact.” The Devil took a pinch of the ashes to place it into the smoking pipe where another demon will lit the ashes.

“I should have brought you the Cuban cigar I confiscated at the Gates.” St. Peter spoke out. "The guy was a fake with his accent and tried to smuggle in the Cuban cigar.”

“You mean that one.” I saw the Devil pointing to the guy laid on the ground with the chest opened up with the lungs displayed and there were the demons having a smoke there. “He was to be cleaned of his dirty lungs before he could come in. Thanks for sending over.”

“Hey, your all demons. I want those cigars back and who told me they were not, step up to be inflamed now.” I knew then I had enough. I rushed out of my lineup and approached St Peter.

“St Peter, it's me, Jimmy the Journalist from the Heavenly Times. I think I have seen enough. Can I follow you back?” I looked at the elderly figure with pleading eyes.

“Jimmy! You have not stepped into Hell yet. Heck. I will bring you in myself.” St Peter took my arm and dragged me in past the Lord of Hell. I was struggling then and swore I peed in between my legs.

But the sight that greeted me was different.

“Hi, pops! Fancy a drink.” I took the goblet offered while St Peter hung the thick jacket over the stand nearby.

“Jimmy, you ain’t seen Hell till you are in.” St. Peter laughed and then took into his arms the nymph who may had been his favourite. There was not only one but many to feast one’s eyes on. And there were the rows of table laden food and drinks.

“St Peter, why was it outside it was cold?”

“That was only temporary. GOD has a cold and it passed onto there where the Devil presides who gets in. Here in HELL, all is ever merry and fun. And we all lied about HELL.So you wanna go back now?”

I changed my mind then. After all I have an assignment to complete....maybe not so soon.