Hagar's Adventure

"Lucky Eddie, I ought to had you thrown overboard." Hagar the Horrible screams at his lieutenant and at times best friend. "How in the name of Odin, did you ever offered voyage to others?"

Hagar was looking at the group of non-Vikings sitting at the stern of his lovely boat, now battling the high waves of the sea. They just returned from a raid to the nearby continent, and barely escaped with their life, although it pay off with some silks and silverwares. All was fine until he stepped back into his boat to find the new boarders. Their combined weight at the stern have raised the boat helm up by a steep gradient giving it an impression of a wheelie on a twin mounted bike.

"Hagar, they paid for their voyage." Lucky Eddie produced the gold coins from his pouch. "More to it, they even offered us a barrel of wine that can warmed our bodies. They said its French."

"Wine! Eddie, we are Vikings. We drink rum and not wine." Hagar turned his back to the group sitting forlorn at the stern. Its not often a land lubber gets to be tossed like salads in a boat over these raging waves. "And looked my ship. Its a total disgrace to have her skirting raised so high in the front. Even Thor would shudder if he comes to face with her in that manner. By Odin, she looked like me when I was younger."

"Eddie, you insult my ship with your deed. I pray Helga never gets to hear of this or she would had me sleeping with the duck soon." Hagar placed his jaw on the side of the boat to hide his shame. Its not that his success at the raids are dipping but so was his ego on his performance at home.

"Eddie, who are they? Normandy? Saxon? Or Gauls?" Hagar asked of his companion. "I recognised not their dressing, and they smell too nice to be even Vikings."

Lucky Eddie in his jubilant mood now that Hagar had accepted the new 'fares', pulled his leader to meet them.

"This is Dwindle; she's an Elf from the Blue Forest." Mintor does not look like one from the blue ancestry as she is all green blue in her facial looks now as she tries to hold back her last meal. She is dressed in a blue tunic complete with a short v cut in the front, which unfortunately does nothing to her frontal looks as there are nothing to project there. Her legs are in a matching blue set of tight breeches tucked into a set of knee high leather boots. She carries a bow and quiver filled with some arrows.

Hagar frown at her looks and doubt she can even sharpen a needle on her chest unlike Helga who can reduce a battering ram to a sliver of wood shaving. He shook his head as he wonders what does the elves do in their free time. No wonder the world of the pixies and elves are dwindling, like even their name.

"Aye, and who may he be?" Hagar asked of the other.

"The gentleman over there is Captain Smith; previously of the Guards. Now attached to the Federation of Independent Caribbeans Pirates" A pompous looking man with a ugly curled wig over on his head, tucked beneath a goose feather wide brimmed hat, with a matching coat of fine silk and frilled design tunic buttoned to his neckline. His breeches are a darker shade and tucked into a set of flapped leather boots with a rapier sheathed inside the scabbard at his waist belt. All would had been perfect except Captain Smith does not need to be seated; his body shape was designed to be rolled around with a midriff that wide, even corners would be easily traversed with little efforts of spinning the mass.

Captain Smith tried to stand up and offer a curtsy bow but his land locked legs are not responding to his wishes. Or was it his body mass. The other two passengers were of flesh and blood, but came with set of wings.on the side of their body.

"Those are the mounts; Pete the Dragon and Percy the Horse."

Pete the Dragon seemed to be worried on the sea condition than the horrible looking Viking in front it. So was Percy who was fidgeting with the hoofs scratching the keel of the ship.

"Captain, do you mind controlling your horse. At the rate its hitting at the keel, we would all be swimming in the sea soon." Hagar told the human who looked at him in surprised.

"Excuse, you sea faring oaf. Who do you think you are asking to be controlled?"

Hagar was taken aback as the it was the flying horse who spoke to him.

"Yes, you oaf. I do speak and also proficient in five other languages, but Viking is not of my learned one. I did picked up a few from the stables, but I doubt they would be appropriate to used here." The horse addressed Hagar. "Since you are here, I am in need to make a request. Its a private matter though. One of discretion. May 1?"

Percy leaned over and whispered to Hagar' ears.

"Aye, its not an issue. We just do it over the sides and let the sea do the cleaning up." Hagar smiled. "Viking style."

"I am deplored by your manners, Sir." Percy protested, but continued on. "I am afraid as the said if before, when in France, do as the French. Oui, I shall persists, but I required some privacy."

"Not an issue." Hagar turned to his men on the oars. "Eyes in front and no peeking."

"Thor strikes me if I am ever to learned from a horse." One of the oarsmen sounded out. Unfortunately for him, a lightning bolt did struck him then.

"Eddie, look at what you did." Hagar walked over to his barbecue warrior who is now a frigging darkened dead mass. "You should not had brought him on this trip. He got struck on the last raid and you know that lighting do strike twice."

"I am sorry, Hagar but he did fake his sign up form." Eddie produced the log. Next to the name of the dead warrior was the box un-ticked 'lightning prone'.

The two of them reached for the dead body to give it the ceremonial sent off when the mermaids appeared on the surface.

"Hagar the Horrible, you do not discard that horrid looking body mass here or we would called on the Sirens to sink your boat." The mermaids came up to the side and complained. "The last load of rotten eggs was too much; we all had stomach upsets for days."

"Rotten eggs? I though they were century old eggs from the Far East." Hagar exclaimed back in surprise. "Eddie, you been conned again. We paid good silver for those eggs."

Poor Eddie looked at Hagar in disbelieved as he was sure those were quail eggs that were rotten. But who is to argue with the Captain.

"Excuse me, Hagar." Hagar turned to look and almost fell overboard but he was saved by the mermaids. They did not want his unwashed body in their sea. The one who spoke to him was Pete the Dragon.

"Can I have the barbecue body? I like them well done on the side, and this one perfect."

Hagar was too stunned to respond and the dragon took up the meal as being given consent. He did extract out a worm that was not cooked in the body. Pete threw the worm over as he was afraid of eating raw worms. Hagar composed himself and walked back to the helm but Eddie stopped him.

"We have one more guest." Eddie motioned to him to see the last guest as it was impolite if he did not go over to say hello. The last guest was standing at the far end of the stern looking up to the dark skies with his left arm resting on his waist while his right arm was pointing upwards. There was one peculiar thing about the statue; it height was only three feet high and dressed in a white three piece suit with a red cravat at the neckline. It can be considered a dwarf impression by Hagar' perception.

"I can see that the metal statue would one day be a majestic figure on some public square but where is the guest?" Hagar asked.

"That is the guest." Eddie walked up to the so called metal statue and knocked on the left arm. "Iron Man, my captain is here to wished you a good voyage."

"Hello, Captain Hagar. I am designated Iron Man Series 2012; a cyborg from Nude IV. I am taking this voyage to seek out the constellation of my system from the view of this boat." The cyborg speaks in a squeaky voice also offered his right hand as a gesture of friendship but Hagar was too dumb struck to reply.

"Captain, I have lived on this planet for over two hundred years and travelled widely; swamps, woodlands, mountains, caves and even ocean, but never on a Viking boat. So you can understand this is an interesting trip for me. Thank you for the opportunity to be on Hagar' Cruise to nowhere. We never had that on Fantasy Island where I stayed for sometime offering many varieties of fantasy deals."

"Hagar' Cruise?" Hagar looked to Eddie who gave him a sheepish smile back.

"We had to improvise or no one would come aboard us." Eddie replied. "We even made pendants for them to take back."

Eddie showed him the pendant design of Hagar holding his sword and shield. That made Hagar smiled. As Hagar was admiring his pendant, there were the sound of the drums.

"What the.....?" Hagar looked to the helm where four of his oarsmen are assembled holding musical instrument including the lute and gongs. On their head was the viking hairstyle later known as the mop cut. The mermaids was on the side offering to be back up singers or doing the chorus.

"Oh, its entertainment time. Boat offerings of the Fabulous Four Vikings with the New Sirens." The foursome group went into their repertoire of songs like "We come a-raiding", "Plunder on" and the infamous "Horrid ain't my Captain". The final piece was when Eddie came on with another group in scantily dressed grass skirts and vikings caps over their chest, doing the pom pom routine.

"My good man, what is that number called?" Captain Smith asked Hagar.

"I don't know. Maybe we can just called it the GAGA dance." Hagar replied as he danced his way around the ship. Then he heard the cyborg shouting.

"Its the spaceship! Its the spaceship." Iron Man was shouting and then he removed his suit and threw it over board. The mermaids went berserk on the display of his ironic look, especially that light saber he was seen with, but Eddie was upset.

"During concerts, they are supposed to jumped off stage but why is it standing there looking at the sky." Eddie then looked up and saw the large saucer hovering the boat.

"Its a frigging space station!" Eddie shouted out. But Hagar corrected him.

"Nope, its a star ship. Did you not see the twin over sized exhaust at the rear on the top. I betcha they would beam the cyborg soon."

"How do you know?" Eddie asked.

"Well, its said on the side there, 'Nudity Allowed'. So that's where its going." Hagar completed his explantation and then he saw Eddie throwing off his tunic to run to join Iron Man. The mermaids on seeing the new spectacle went down on the side to hide their embarrassment. Soon Eddie and Iron Man was beamed up and the boat appeared as before but no music was on this time. Everyone was still stumped at the sight of the star ship leaving the place.

"Ladies and gentlemen, Eddie have left the building but the fun would go on. On our next agenda is the carnival at the Rock.We would be docking soon, so get your money worth of the fun." Hagar have taken over from Eddie as the organizer.

When everyone was off the boat to the carnival, Hagar looked up the sky and smiled.

"Thank you, Eddie." Hagar said to himself, and then he heard the horrendous sound of a horse farting. Percy trod up and neighed.

"Couldn't do it on a rocking boat just now." Percy smiled and gallop off to joined in the carnival.