This is a sexist comical piece, so hold back the brickbats please.......
"I can assure you, missy. I am the genuine item here." I propped myself to my full height and displayed my lower legs well covered to below the knees with the woolen socks that I had deftly snugged up from my Tudor designed leather heels. I was dressed as the English Sahib in the Safari Hunt complete with my long side burns. I saw the flushed facial expression. She was not expecting to be served by a Lord in the lingerie section but I am for equal opportunities, as long as I am ahead.
"I know its kinda unusual to see me attending to your needs here, but as I have mentioned, I am the genuine experts on socks for sex." I tapped out my right shoe to showcased my distinct care for the woolen garments that had encased my legs with comfort and warmth. "Yes, missy. Pardon me for saying this. Sex for socks....”
I feigned a mocking laugh and then stared at her legs with a distraught look. I picked that up from Mary Poppings movie; the expression of ghastly disbelief.
“Oh, mine. Did you lose your socks? That’s absolutely dreadful.” The missy was not wearing any socks then. I gave her my ‘I think I know what you need’ look.
“You do have nice legs; tapering long and smooth complexion, and to showcased that beauty of your short dress, may I suggest to you the latest shades of socks that we have."
"Confused? Do not be, darling. I may be a man but my specialty is on these wears. No one appreciates the socks anymore? They just slipped in their feet into those sandals or those dreadful encased leather shoes. Poo..Poo...the flesh of the feet would be covered with the leftover dead skin cells and worse of all, the mix of the leather dye onto the skin; I can assured you I would preferred to walk bare footed anytime." I looked at her and like hundreds before her, she was onto me. Me and my knowledge of the preference of the ladies when it comes to pampering their feet.
"As I was saying, your legs needed the silky caress of this extraordinary soft texture of fine hosiery here." I pulled up the pack and pull at the seams to dropped the length of it to showed her my appreciation of her limbs. "Thirty nine inches in length; wouldn't I say that matches you fully up?"
That was my cue to expressed my 'pardon me, missy' look as I do not want her to think I am sexual predator. Without hesitation I was back to the stockings.
"With this texture; you can slide it up the length and fitted snuggly right. More to the stay-up would never give you any creases in the look; it holds up well and high." That was when I do my matador pose with the left leg crocked up slightly and the shoulder lowered as if I am facing the oncoming bull in its rage. I had practiced hard at the mirror to get this pose correct.
"Trust me, you do not want to have it droopy on those sizzling moments." I gave her my wink in the left eye. "I once had a date and she had on these 'suspenders'; I can assured you, it should had been designed for teddy bears. It spoiled our evening even though she had on the flimsiest teddy that night. Poo...Poo.... We never made it past first base that night."
"But this model; its no Vic Secret but it would veered them off towards you soon enough. I have sold this to many celebs that came to me for advise. You won't believe how poorly they dressed until they seen my collection. Even Marilyn Monroe would had let the hot air blown her more if she had met me before." That my cue to do the famous Marilyn pose. The missy laughed and by then I was assured of my sales. She was laid spreadeagled on my conveyor belt to the credit card machine by then. I could feel then the tingling sensation as the electronic transfer went through and I was richer with several extra dollars. Oh! It was a real surge in me then, but I need to get her on the second wave, or the evening would be a complete waste.
I saw her examining the stockings I had dragged on before her eyes. It was time for the second kill. I twisted my body to the right, without losing sight of my prey and dragged out the garters. For those of your who are unaware what is a garter; please looked up the dictionary. I got a prey to salivate over now.
"Here is the killer accomplice. Ta-da..." I swung the garter with my left index finger. She caught my cue and smiled sheepishly. It was then I leaned over and whispered to her ears.
"With this on, you would be a drop dead. I meant he would break his rubber for you." I whispered in a low tone; minty buttered the breathe, and then added in a smug comment. "Peel that one off and leave the garters on, you would create the correct response anytime."
The missy blushed but I knew when my prey was laid for the final killing bite; its called the 'resist me and let me die in misery' syndrome.
"Of course, you could take no notice of my advise and walked over to Diana Sumo there. She can introduce you to those tight varicose bands or the thin flimsy stockings that tears after a hard pull." I pulled on my concerned look and gracefully pulled my body around as if to wrapped back the samples.
Well, guess what. She bought the full range from me; garters, hosiery, socks and even the garter belts with gulpure lace. I would had sold her tops but mine ain't outstanding to be lined up for the sale. I even gave her a dainty red throng that I kept as spares from previous years clearance.
"Something for you to remember this fabulous occasion." I deftly placed the throng in the bag with my wide smile. I said my 'bye bye' to her at the end of my section and watched my satisfied client walked with the bag of lingeries. I took a sigh when Diana joined me. I can assured you Diana was a good sales person, with a lovely personality too, but she lacked my finesse in closing the sale. She would had done better in the DIY section.
"How much is my cut on the sales?" Diana asked.
"The usual cut of 15%, darling. That's nett amount, darling. We sure make a good pair."
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