Death is not imminent

"I am telling you, that you made a mistake." I argued with the white bearded guy sitting at the high and wide table looking down at with his bespectacled grim look. Its not my nature to argue with anyone but this bearded old 'paddy' ( if I may defined him in his place. ) just told me I am dead and at the Gates to Heaven.

The heck I am, as last I could recalled I was at Lion's Mane and flirting with Mary on who is picking up the tab tomorrow assuming I spend the night at her place tonight. Anyway, Mary declined my bet as her mother in in town. More to it, her mother is sleeping on the couch. I did offered to share her bed but she disagreed that its not size able for both of us. I looked at her; I mean she is a 'size able' woman with an expansion that even the Seventh Fleet would had problems circumventing her, I offered to sleep on top of her. Guess what she replied to me.

"And you can go slobbering all your saliva on me? No way!" That ended our discussion on the night cap. So I took up my coat and told Henry where he can stuff the Lion's Mane before I stepped out to the cold night. Its a bad night to be sleeping alone even thought the heater may be on, but nothing can compared to real body heat. I remembered staggering up the stairs; screw you Henry. Why can't he opened the pub at ground level and not six feet below it? I be darned like I felt I just climbed out of the grave.

Yikes, that gives me the shiver. I must stopped watching those horror movies. I know I love the scenes when the man sinks his teeth into the lady's neck but at this moment, I do not feel any erogenous pleasure at that. Sorry, Mary; you won't feel that tonight. Perhaps you could use your mum's dentures to try it our solo.

That was a good laugh, and now I need to get to my car. I be darned again; I did not drive tonight. I was hoping to hit fourth base with Mary and now I am stuck in the pits. Gee, what a way to end the day.

Nevermind, I know the cab stand is somewhere twenty paces ahead. I wondered if they have a doggie bag in there. I sure need to peed urgently. Never the one to dirty the sidewalks or alleys; I am sure I can retain it back to my ol' faithful tower at my apartment. I remembered pacing it to the cab stand, and then it was all lighted up.

Next thing I know I was in the queue here to this table. There was one other chap in front of me, holding his innards from falling out. I asked him what happened to him, and he told he was shot with a shotgun while escaping from the bedroom window.

"Gee, I thought that aim would be at your butt?" I questioned him back.

"Her old man came in from the window and I was humping from the rear. He aimed at her, but she dropped down flat on seeing him."
He explained to me.

"Too bad for you. Next latch the windows if I were you."

The chap did not hear me as he was standing in front of the bespectacled old paddy. I heard him arguing to be sent to the top but the old man said no.

"You committed adultery and therefore to Hell with you." The old man was insistent and even called in those trumpets bearing guards to take the struggling man away.

I remembered having to step over some loose innards on the flooring before I peek at the old paddy. I did asked if they have cleaners here, and the old paddy hit me with his felt pen.

"Look here, paddy. That felt pen may not be cane, although I did used it once in my B&D acts. I supposed you won't know anyway; in your days, they just string you up at the tree trunk and stiff the tree roots up you."

Old paddy did not take too kindly to my words and he said I am going under.

"I be darned if I am going under. You take me for one who would just lay there and do like some dudes. Man, even if you pay me, I am not spreading myself down under."

That was when Paddy told me the reason I am here.

"You are dead, Lincoln Dunstan. Dead as in you were hit by the garbage truck hijacked by some punks for a late drive."

That took me to the top of the line here.

"I am telling you, that you made a mistake." I told Paddy. "I was just out of the pub; which I patronize every Friday nights till someone shackled me to some bedposts or vice versa. But tonight, I was to be shackled to my old collection of DVD''s. That is when I am back at my apartment later ."

You won't believe this, but Paddy was giving me the looks. I leaned over closer to the table top and whispered to him.

"Its in the third drawer beneath the X-Files DVD. Its wrapped in brown paper." I knew ol' Paddy needs to know too, as at his age, he needs more than a 'strip' to stir up the ladle in the pot.

"Lincoln Dunstan, you are truly a disgrace to Man....." Ol' Paddy denouncing me loudly and I am telling you that is plain embarrassing at this public place. I looked back at the next person on the queue; its Mary. She looked like she popped one too many pills and if bloating was the result, then she is over bloated.

"Oh, hello Mary. Fancy meeting you here. " I leaned over to peck at her nose. With her circumference, that is my stretched limit or I would need to topple over her. " Pleae tell this ol' geezer that I am not a disgrace to Man. I am a MAN."

She just burped her reply. I waved her off as a best be forgotten night re-run. I faced back Ol' Paddy and cleared my case to him.

"Paddy, I am here as my own solicitor." I tried to act as sober as I could, but I be darned the need to peed is still there. "Before we convene, could we have a recess so I can use the bathroom?"

Ol' Paddy declined my request.

"This is a disgrace. You are denying me of my Human Rights. Are you asking to me do it here?" I challenged him.

"Look up to me, Lincoln Dunstan." Ol' Paddy leaned over and spoke out. "You are dead. Slammed by a truck and thrown twenty feet in front and landed on a dumpster. So, son; accept that fact and let me do my job."

"I disagreed. No man is guilty until he is proven. I stand by my right. And now I am adding in the denial of Humanity Rights." I protested strongly. "If you send those trumpeters to grab me, I can assure you I can do more vile things with their trumpets."

It was then when the sound of ringing tone was heard. It was playing the song; "Chariots of Fire". I disliked that tone as it makes me want to peed. Ol' Paddy picked up the felt pen and placed it on his ears.

"You picking your ears at this moment. This is an utter disgrace." I protested loudly.

"Shut up. I am talking to God." Ol' Paddy told me off. Then he went back to listening and then he placed the felt pen down.

"Ol' Paddy, did you press the off button. Long distance call to God can be expensive." I reminded Ol' Paddy.

"Ah! Hush up,." Ol' Paddy told me. "God told me to let you go. He said with a nuisance like you here, even the Devil would migrate to heaven for more peace and quiet."

"Now that is slandering, Ol' Paddy. I resent that. I challenged you to repeat that so I can sue you." I protested again. But Ol' Paddy scot me off in a huff of clouds.

I found myself standing over my tower in my own apartment with my trousers wrapped around my knees. I did what comes naturally. I then pulled those spilled wet trousers off me and threw them into the bathtub. I walked back to my bedroom and guess what I found on my bed.

Its Bloated Mary in all her glory. I be darned that I am going to stand down on such an offer.

"Hello, Mary. Last I saw you we were at Heaven's Gate. How did you make it here?' I asked of her as I unwrapped myself of my cheap suit.

"Lincoln Dunstan, climb in and I showed you more than the gates."

Whoever said death is imminent have not read this tale yet. It can be deferred on technical grounds, my Lord.